New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
