My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
