Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
