It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
