If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
