Plan B is the new Plan A
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
