remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
