so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
