i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Randomize
