I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
