theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i dont even know how to be here
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
