I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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