why didn't you poke me back
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
