I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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