Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Is it because I queefed?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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