There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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