When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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