Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
