I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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