i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
