Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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