there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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