Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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