I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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