My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
