the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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