Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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