You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
