Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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