a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
