We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
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Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
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Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
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