I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
She's like a pop up book from hell.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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