so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
