there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Randomize
