And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
This is classic penis vs brain.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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