allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
