...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
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there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
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In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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