I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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