If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
