that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
