A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
