Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You have to summon your inner elephant
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
