guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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