Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
