You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
