I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
