Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
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Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
i've created a new STD.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
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Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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