Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
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we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
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You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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