how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
