Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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