i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
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