two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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