Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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