dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
