I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
