Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
