I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
