My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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