A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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