So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
