I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.