Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
23 Absolutely Despicable Things That People Have Actually Done
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
25 Disturbing Facts That Will Make You Question Everything
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.