i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Randomize
