Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.