There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
